My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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