It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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