do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
