I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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