I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
