there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
