if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
