She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
