haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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