i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just want nice things and good sex
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
