So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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