I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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