Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
