Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
