She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
