My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
You left your underwear on the fireplace
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
