i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You ruined the universe
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
