If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize