Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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