I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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