So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
