i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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