mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
