I can't breathe out the right side of my face
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
