$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
