I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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