the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
