sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
