If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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