I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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