I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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