Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
