if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
