Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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