i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
