I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
