The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I lost the right to judge tonight
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