im having a threesome with these popsicles
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
