Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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