oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
