Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
