Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
