i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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