Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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