I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
