Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
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Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
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He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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