I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Randomize
