i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I touched a dick in church today
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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