I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
