you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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