My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I need to calm my uterus...
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I want a musical about memes.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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