My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
