I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
