If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
