Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
